For years, I said “I’m recovered” from my eating disorder. But as I continue to discover the true me – my personality, my passions, my gifts, and everything else that makes me me – I realize I never actually recovered from an eating disorder.

Now, before you gasp and call me a fraud, allow me to explain…

Let’s start by defining the word “recovery.” It stems from the latin recuperāre, literally “to get back.” Therefore, eating disorder recovery is about “getting your life back from the eating disorder.”

This perspective seems well and good except for the fact that many neurodivergent people didn’t have a peaceful life before the eating disorder. To “recover” your life would mean going back to the person who needed the ED to cope in the first place!

That person was undiagnosed, unaccommodated, and constantly masking. The eating disorder was a mere manifestation of these struggles, a creative solution to the ongoing challenge of being a boundless soul confined to a physical body.

Over the years, I’ve replaced “recovery” with the term discovery. Rather than trying to go back to the person who needed an ED to cope, discovery is forward-facing. It’s about finding out who you are without the mask of fear and limitation.

Of course, discovery brings up its own fears. What if I don’t like who I truly am? What if other people judge me? What if, what if, what if…

The misconception is that your true identity is hiding behind the ED and once you let go, you’ll be “exposed.” But the truth is that your identity can evolve. Just as you adapted into the identity of someone with an eating disorder, you can adapt into whatever identity you want!

When I was little, my identity was wrapped up in someone who constantly felt she needed to prove herself. If I wasn’t the best, I was a failure. In hindsight, I understand I was trying to “compensate” for feeling fundamentally wrong in this world.

When my eating disorder started, I took on the identity of the “perfect healthy eater.” If I could just eat and move “perfectly,” I wouldn’t have to face the existential angst of doing life “wrong.”

But then came a point where I didn’t want to be someone with an eating disorder anymore. That’s when I committed to recovery…

But “recovery” was just another restrictive identity! While I received support and validation from the “ED recovery community,” there were all these new rules about how to do recovery “right,” including: 

•  Smash the scale
•  Stop counting calories
•  Stop all movement and rest

And then I just felt “wrong” all over again! Attaching numbers to food via a food scale and calorie counting actually helped me eat more because it turned the abstract concept of “nourishment” into something my autistic mind could grasp.

As for movement, I’ve always been hyperactive. Having a deep understanding of the nervous system, I now know my restlessness is rooted in fight-or-flight energy.

Rather than forcing myself to abide by all these “ED recovery rules,” I decided I was going to channel my neurodivergent energy into the life I wanted to live. In doing so, I’ve discovered parts of myself I never knew existed.

My identity is still evolving, and that’s why I call myself a lifelong learner! I’m Liv Label Free because I don’t want to be boxed into one way of thinking, doing, living. I want to be forever discovering, forever adapting, forever flowing with the energy of the Universe 💫

So no, I’m not actually “recovered.” I will never go back to the person I was before I developed my eating disorder because I’ve discovered something so much better: a life that’s in alignment with my soul.

If you want to support yourself or someone you care for on the journey to alignment, come join us in the Autistically ED-Free Academy! This is my 8-week coaching program to help you discover freedom by embracing neurodivergence.

👉 Click here to save your seat for the next cohort!

To lifelong learning,

XO Liv

“The Academy came into my life at just the right time. I was so alone and isolated in my journey and judged myself a lot for not being able to get out, even though I knew what to do. The Academy showed me that its really not a "knowledge" or "willpower" problem, but more so an adaptation to the state of my nervous system, which is highly impacted by my feelings of loneliness and self-judgment. Thus the true medicine was being connected with like-minded souls, who share the same struggles – so the community aspect of the Academy was truly a game changer for me!! We can't heal in isolation but we can also not heal in the wrong environment, as its sometimes the case in traditional treatment. I'm super grateful I met like-minded weirdos and that we were able to help each other <3”

– Kathi, Germany