When I was 8 years old, I told my mom I never wanted to grow up.

This statement was quite the paradox considering I had always been “so mature” and “wise beyond my years.”

I have always been a very independent person, and most of what I know is self-taught.

So if I wanted full autonomy, why didn’t I want to grow up? Didn’t I want to leave the house and build a life of my own?

At the time, I didn’t understand it either.

It wasn’t until I recovered from my eating disorder – and was exposed to everything that the ED hid me from – that I finally understood the fear that I’d carried with me since childhood.

I didn’t want to grow up because I feared I couldn’t handle the responsibilities that come with being healthy.

• What if I wasn’t good enough?
• What if I failed?
• What if everyone saw me for the fraud that I am?

The fear of being existentially “wrong” encircled me like a tornado. To numb myself from the pain, I hid behind the ED.

Eating disorders are a trauma response. In the context of neurodivergence, I view the ED as an adaptation to the inevitable trauma of being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world.

Eating disorders are the emergency escape route from the demands you fear you can’t handle:

• demands of the human body
• demands of “the system”
• demands of your own giftedness

So is it any wonder PDA is so common in autistic people with eating disorders?

For me, the key to recovery from ED wasn’t about “overcoming” the fear of being healthy – it was about embracing my neurodivergence.

It was about acknowledging that no matter what I did, I would always be different. This difference doesn’t just allow me to “handle” being healthy; it’s what motivates me to nourish myself. Because when I don’t, that’s when I shrink down to neurotypical level and become a cog in the system. And we have enough of those already!

If you want to learn how to handle being in this world & embrace your neurodivergence, come join us in the Autistically ED-Free Membership! Through weekly group calls (every Tuesday @ 1pm EST), we enter the “divine dimension” of the neurodivergent energy coalescence, where we unlock insights that cannot be accessed “down on Earth”!

These are some of the most magical conversations I’ve ever had in my life, and honestly, they’re what have gotten me out of an intense period of existential autistic burnout.

You can learn more about the membership and join us here. I really hope to see you inside!