Something that’s not talked about enough is the identity crisis that arises when going through eating disorder recovery. Especially for deeply philosophical, existential autistic thinkers, taking off the mask of the ED can make you feel “exposed.” And that’s terrifying.

I grew up feeling so different – so fundamentally “wrong” – that the eating disorder became something I could finally do “right.” It became a way for me to “compensate” for never feeling good enough.

The rules and routines of anorexia gave me boundaries in a boundless world, a sense of direction and purpose at a time when I was drowning in existential angst.

When I embarked on the discovery journey (which, at the time, I still saw as “recovery”) I had a massive identity crisis.

For so many years, I had been “the perfect healthy eater.” I had identified as the “athlete,” the “fit one,” and the “healthy one.” Academically, I was the “perfect student.”

When I had to leave school to go to treatment, being forced to eat more, gain weight, and do all the other things that accompany ED recovery, I was equally forced to let go of all these labels. I was forced to take off the masks I’d hidden behind for countless years.

This process – discovering who I truly was without labels – is the journey I take you on in my memoir Rainbow Girl. You’ll learn why traditional ED treatment fails, the role of undiagnosed neurodivergence and PDA, and ultimately, the steps I took to begin liv(ing) label free.

Rainbow Girl is available in all formats – so whether you prefer audiobooks, physical books, or eBooks, dive into my memoir of autism and anorexia here!