How I’m Finding Myself Through Losing Myself

autism recovery
how i’m finding myself through losing myself

We all feel a little lost sometimes. In fact, we can even lose ourselves in the same place we had once found ourselves. That’s deep, right? Well, I fully credit that phrase of losing yourself in the same place you had once found yourself to one of my 1:1 Coaching clients who has now become one of my best friends. I’ve been trying to find the right words to express how I’m feeling right now, but the reality is, there are no right words…because I do feel a little lost, even lost for words!

Before you think this is going to be a sad and mopey post, don’t be fooled! I am going through an incredible period of growth right now, and I believe it’s this very expansion that has set off the internal fireworks of questioning my past and how I want to move forward in my life.border

Because everything is ALWAYS changing – I mean, change IS the only constant – this post may not have a clear begin, middle, and end like my usual pre-planned, carefully outlined content. As I mentioned in last week’s post on Autism and Procrastination, this very lack of clarity is the reason I’ve indeed, been procrastinating everything I’m about to record now. Whether I’ve been waiting for the moment I get an epiphany, the moment the words neatly align in my mind, the moment I have the answers to all of life’s philosophical questions, or just a combination of all three and more, I don’t know. 

What I do know, is that the perfect moment doesn’t exist, and results only come from taking action. So here I am, practicing what I preach and taking the first steps to opening up about this turning point in my journey. I am choosing to trust that the “how” will fall into place, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it always does.

Trusting the how is honestly where I’m at right now. For the past several years, I’ve built my business in the eating disorder recovery space. What started out as a foodie Instagram account evolved into an eating disorder recovery account, and then eventually grew its branches into a recipe and lifestyle blog, YouTube channel, and podcast! I went through phases of following specific diets, sharing certain recipes, going through rough patches and then coming out with revelations. There have been moments in which I felt pure passion and purpose, and I’ve had months go by with zero motivation and times where I wanted to quit everything.

Then in 2020, discovering I am Autistic was a tremendous turning point for me. Not only in my personal life and on my self-discovery journey, but it obviously became a significant part of my brand and message! Everything that’s happened in the past several years – from the day I decided to publish my first Instagram post, to rebranding to Liv Label Free, to launching my 1:1 Coaching Program and Extreme Hunger Course, to opening up about my Autism, to moving to California by myself – all of it has changed me in immeasurable ways. And one of the biggest changes I’ve noticed in myself is an augmented ability to not only accept, but embrace these changes.

For so long, I was in search of this idea of “balance”. I was in search of this utopian ideal in which my entire life would feel aligned and free of troubles, a state of bliss in which all of my life’s questions would be answered. The more I chased this impossible ambience, however, the more frustrated I would feel. I often found myself getting caught in the comparison trap, juxtaposing my sleepless nights and tight budget with moms on Instagram who had brands sponsoring their beauty sleep and sharing unboxings of their million-dollar groceries from Whole Foods.

It wasn’t until I wholeheartedly accepted that balance doesn’t EXIST, that my heart could beat normally again. And I chose that sentence carefully, because I want to share a metaphor with you that I heard recently and absolutely LOVED!

What does “balance” really mean? It doesn’t mean gain or loss, growth or shrinking, success or failure. Balance is a state in which whatever we can consciously perceive is completely unaltered and stagnant; it’s a flat line. You know what else is a flat line? The flatline on a heartrate monitor. Yes, even our own BODIES are changing in every moment! Whether it’s the expanding and contracting of our hearts pumping blood, or the cellular division happening on every unseen level, your body is constantly creating homeostasis by changing.

Instead of focusing on “balance”, I now choose to focus on what my body is asking me. As an autistic person that can get caught up in perfectionistic results and become obsessed with projects I am passionate about, it can be difficult to honor my body sometimes. But here too, I am constantly growing, learning, changing.

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Now here’s where I feel like I’ve finally found a natural flow into what I believe is the main message of this post, and that is regarding my ever-changing identity. If you’re reading this, chances are you found me through a door stemming from the eating disorder recovery space. For years, sharing everything and anything related to eating disorders was the content I lived and breathed.

In recent months, however, I have really started to feel that I no longer want to live that life or breathe that air. The eating disorder has become such a part of my past, and I honestly just feel so far removed from it at this point. My life no longer revolves around food or exercise or all the crazy rituals I engaged in during my illness; I can finally say with full confidence that my life revolves around my LIFE. My soul is seeking a sense of deeper meaning and purpose, one that I’m navigating through building relationships and discovering my true passions. 

It’s THAT journey I want to share with you. I want to share the GIFTS of life as they PRESENT themselves. I want to live, love, and wholeheartedly embrace the NOW. Yet, this is scary…and this is also where my friend Alex’s words about losing yourself in the place you once found yourself are just so eloquently relevant. When I launched my first recovery coaching program, I thought that was my life’s purpose. I immersed myself in the recovery space, on a mission to inspire and empower others with my own story to full recovery from an eating disorder. That’s where I found myself…or did at one point.

Now, with the eating disorder so far behind me – almost like a feeling of full detachment – I realize that you don’t achieve full recovery by focusing on recovery. You achieve full recovery, which is actually just a full life, by focusing on living your life. And it’s funny, because I’ve unknowingly taken this approach in coaching clients all along. I think that’s why my clients have had so much success in working with me as opposed to “professionals” that psychoanalyze the eating disorder and focus on the food, because it isn’t about the food. It isn’t about the exercise. In fact, it isn’t even about the eating disorder! The eating disorder is simply a mask for the underlying limiting beliefs that restrict you from living a full life.

All these years, I’ve identified myself as an “eating disorder recovery coach”…but I’m so much more than that! I want to coach people from all walks of life on how to optimize their health. I want to share more about how you can live your best life and embrace your fully unique brain. I want to open up about the hardships of entrepreneurship and how you can cultivate success from what seems like failure…because failure isn’t the opposite of success, it’s PART of it! If you are interested in working with me, whether it be ED recovery coaching,  transitioning to independent living as a neurodivergent individual, building your own business, or anything else that has inspired you about my own journey, simply contact me to explore how we can create a life of freedom for you! I’ve overcome so many different obstacles myself and want to guide you through them together, because I believe the power of lived experience is truly unmatched. I guess I’m going to be more of an overall life coach or rather, Liv Label Free coach!

I am so multipassionate as I know many autistic people are, and I believe this is SUCH a superpower! I always thought I had to choose one thing, find one purpose, have one identity…but the beauty of life is that you live it as it flows, and you can always let go of the things that no longer fulfill you! Everything you do has its time and place, because everything you do has the power to change you. All of it – the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful – makes you better, braver, wiser, stronger. But most importantly, every experience makes you just a little more you. So, in the words of yet another incredibly important person in my life, whatever part of your past you’re afraid to let go of, you deserve to move on.

And that’s a wrap for this very vulnerable post sharing where I’m at in life right now! Thank you so much for reading, I so appreciate you being on this self-discovery journey with me. If you got anything out of this post, it would mean the absolute world if you could leave me a comment and give me a follow on Instagram to stay up to date on all my latest content.

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